The Unacceptable Problem

Life is an interesting journey. I like leaning back on days like this and taking a short trip down memory lane. So tonight, while psychologically time-traveling, I stumbled upon something rather basic which I failed to see all my life.

For years already, I’ve been caught in the wrong moments, said the wrong things, made the wrong decisions. In the recent past, I used to pass it off as a rough patch and bad luck, I even threw the blame on everything but myself.

It took me a while to realize that there is no such a thing as coincidental rough patches or bad luck and all that happens in my life depends on how I perceive and receive it. It also depends on what I act on and how I react to the situations.

There only exist a bad attitude towards life, negative perception and failure to be aware of the self and situations.

It’s embarrassing but I’ll be honest enough to say that I have had a terrible attitude towards life until minutes ago. I refuse to lie that I have made a sudden change over a moment of thought tonight. It definitely will take a very long time to realign myself and get on the best track to personal success. But awareness is always the first step towards great change.

To back-track a little… When I walked out of childhood, I fell head-first into a confused teenage and an insignificant early adulthood. I was confused because I was never able to fit in just by being myself. It always made me wonder why I had to be such an awkward and odd person and why I could never be perfectly socially acceptable like my peers were. I was such a sore person and at the same time, I refused to pretend to be like anyone else. It was quite a dilemma for a small and immature mind like my teenage self’s.

I expected the world to accept me when I did not even accept myself and in fact, I did not even know who I was in the first place. How can a person accept someone who is unfamiliar? That ended up making my adulthood rather insignificant because I was more focused on something as silly as the lack of acceptance. I also did not have a vision of what I wanted to be. Jellyfish served a more purposeful existence floating in the sea and surviving than I did by living my life. It was a very bad impression that I had of myself, and fairly so.

It followed through to my adulthood and here I am, on one of my silent moments, thinking about it. The sad fact is that I still don’t know who I am. But… I accept the fact that I don’t. That makes me accept myself better. And as the days go by, I see that I actually have been embraced gracefully by my loved ones and peers even though I’ve been such an odd nut with awkward responses and reactions.

Age is just a number… Everyone takes a different amount of time to create a vision of who they want to be and grow into it. I am definitely not talking about an occupation or money. The focus here is, desirable traits and ideals to live by and adopt.

And it’s fine to take a lifetime to discover and develop inner beauty. It is a worthwhile quest which has no shame in it at all. What I always tell myself is that life has to go on and I have to take away at least one lesson in every experience and apply myself purposefully in the course of living.

I am aware that the matter I have mapped out is rather trivial. It may be easily overcome by most people. Unfortunately, to euphemistically put it, I am a late bloomer. It’s something I have learnt to accept.

Alright, that’s all the talk I have for tonight. Be well and smile.

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